Regrets and Reflection
by AngstRiddenTeenager
Summary: What Jason and Elizabeth are really thinking. . . Part 6 is up! Please Read/Review. Thanks!
1. Jason's POV

Alexis was right, right about everything.  
  
I walked away from my "real" family into this life. I took for granted how lucky I was just to be alive and to have the support of my family and went towards this life. A life far different then the one I grew up in, if only I could remember.  
  
But I did not walk away because I didn't care about the Quatermaine's. I walked away because they expected something I could not give them, even if I had wanted too, Jason Quatermaine.  
  
Sonny took me in and he is one of the only people who didn't expect me to be someone I was not. He took me as I was and accepted that. He gave me a family.  
  
But because of my association with him I am forced into the stereotype of a gangster. I am just another thug on the street, I work in the shadows, and innocent people get hurt.  
  
My thoughts drift back to last night and what happened to Kristina.  
  
I never met Kristina, not once, but from what everyone said at her funeral made me wish that I had. But if I had, my heart would hurt more for my involvement in her death.  
  
I did not set the bomb nor did I detonate it. But just like Sonny and Roy, I am responsible. Just like Alexis said, her blood is on my hands.  
  
At the funeral, I saw her picture. She was young, beautiful, and resembled Alexis a little. She did not deserve what happened to her, just like Lily, the list goes on.  
  
But in the silence before Alexis spoke, all I could think about was one thing:  
  
I'm glad it wasn't Elizabeth.  
  
And as selfish as that sounds, it still makes me happy to know that she is safe. I'm glad that she met with Sonny as early as she did and then left to find Zander. If she had gone there just a little later then she would be the one that was gone.  
  
And I don't know what I would do if I did not have Elizabeth.  
  
I tried to push her away from my life. She would not allow it. I tried to send her away for her safety, in the arms of another man, but she would not leave. She will not walk away from me, and as much as I push her, all I want to do is have her close.  
  
I have only brought pain and danger into her life. A bomb almost went off in her studio. She was shunned by friends and family for protecting me. I threatened her relationship with Lucky. She was kidnapped and kept in a crypt. And worse of all, in one of my fights she was the one wounded.  
  
Sure, I didn't pull the trigger, but it was my fault.  
  
Her blood is on my hands.  
  
It is my fault she is in this life. If I had just died that day in the snow then she would still be safe. She would not have to live in fear.  
  
But we got too close. We care for eachother. It is too late; she is in danger because of me. And the worst thought crosses my mind:  
  
What if she is next?  
  
My head tells me to push her away with any means necessary. To get her away from this life so she can live safe and happy and not in fear. I want her to be happy and to find someone far away from my line of business and far away from me. I will only cause trouble.  
  
But my heart wants me to pull her close and never let her go. To show her my heart and live the rest of my life showing her how much I love her and how much I care for her. To discover some way to protect her like Sonny protects Carly.  
  
Back in reality I realize that in my line of business, you aren't meant to have a family. It is risky to bring anyone into this life, even if they are willing. Sonny has told me that thousands of times. And when he mentions Lily I know why I am single and choose to live that way. But when I think of him and Carly I realize that it is possible if you love someone as much as he loves her. If you love someone that much, you find a way to protect them, not just for their life but also for your life.  
  
I love Elizabeth that much. I love her so much that I know that I cannot guarantee her safety.  
  
I told her tonight that I wasn't safe and that she should leave. She took my hand and told me that just for that moment she didn't want to feel safe.  
  
I wanted to hold her in my arms, kiss her, touch her, and let her know how I feel.  
  
But I want her safe and the only way I can guarantee that is if she is far away from me.  
  
It hurts so much to have her walk away, see her in the arms of another man, and have her stay away.  
  
But it would hurt much more if I had her and then I lost her.  
  
So, this is best, I tell myself. In time I will learn to forget her and she will be safe. I have to learn to let her go so that she can live out the rest of her life the way it is intended.  
  
My heart, however, refuses let go. 


	2. Elizabeth's POV

I've heard it said that you will never find a love that even compares to your first love.  
  
Well, whoever said that, they lied.  
  
Don't get me wrong, I still love Lucky. I think that I will always love him. I was not the one that gave up on us and I do not blame him for giving up on us. I blame Helena.  
  
I can place the blame anywhere but it still does not change the outcome. We are not the same people we were when we fell in love and I finally learned to accept that. I only wish I had come to this conclusion before I caught Lucky with my sister.  
  
When Lucky came back he expected me to be the same person he left. The naïve, frightened, sixteen year old girl that he had saved. But I could not go back to being that girl, even if I wanted to, and I did want to. I tried with all my heart but I guess that wasn't enough.  
  
I had grown up. I had changed. The obligation I felt towards Lucky kept me with him and away from my second love, Jason.  
  
Just like Lucky had found me bleeding in the snow, I found Jason bleeding in the snow. At the time, Lucky was not in my life and I needed something to fill that void.  
  
I had only met Jason once or twice before I found him that fateful day. But he needed me and I would never deny any human being help.  
  
I lied to protect him. I risked my relationship with my gram, Nikolas, and Emily to help Jason. And when I made that decision, my life changed.  
  
Jason helped me become the person I am today. I am a strong individual and I owe him everything. He helped me get over Lucky when I nursed him back to health. I found a genuine friend that day in the snow.  
  
But I found so much more than that.  
  
I never thought much about the repercussions of becoming Jason's ally. I never even thought much about what he did, it was the furthest thing from my mind. He did warn me about his business and the consequences but I never did listen. The only Jason I knew was the man that I found in the snow that day. He was a kind, compassionate, decent man and I never once thought of him as a mobster or an enforcer.  
  
Your job does not define the person you are. That is especially true with him. It surprises me that such a man could be a mob enforcer, but I never once let that affect our relationship.  
  
To me he is just plain Jason.  
  
I've had so many people tell me to stay away from him but I never suspected that he would.  
  
I know that he is just trying to keep me safe. He feels responsible for my kidnapping, the bomb in my studio, and as of late, my wounded arm. But I do not blame him for any of it.  
  
He keeps trying to push me away to protect me. I know that he only wants the best for me but I do not understand why he cannot see that every time he pushes me away I do just the opposite. I want him in my life and I will not accept him forcing me out of his when I know, and he knows, how we really feel about eachother.  
  
I was surprised to see him at Kristina's funeral. The whole time Alexis was mourning, yelling, and placing blame, I just wanted to run over to him and tell him that he was not responsible.  
  
Alexis made it her mission to make Sonny and Jason feel responsible for Kristina's death. But Alexis was all too aware of their business and the risks that came along with it. She knew that Sonny and Jason would both put their lives on the line to save any innocent person but I can also understand how she might feel betrayed.  
  
When Nikolas asked us all to leave my first instinct was to find Jason. I wanted to tell him that Kristina's death was not his fault. I wanted to tell him that he needs to stop blaming himself for things that are out of his control. He already has a world of burden on his shoulders; he does not need any more pain or grief.  
  
When I found him he told me to leave, to be safe away from him. But I did not want to be safe, I wanted to be happy. He makes me happy.  
  
I know that he thinks it will never work. I know he wants me to stay away and learn to live life without him so I will never be in danger. But a normal life still has other dangers and I'm not afraid of anything when he is around. He makes me feel safe.  
  
He makes me feel complete.  
  
I know I can always depend on him and that is what keeps me going. Even when I was caught it the crypt, not a moment passed where I thought for one second he would not find me. That is how much faith I have in him. If only he had that much faith in himself.  
  
I know that if he believed he could protect me then this barrier would not be between us.  
  
I see Carly and Sonny so happy with their life and Michael that I cannot help but wonder what could be if he would only open up to me. I know that he would do anything to protect me and keep me safe and we could have what they have, a wonderful once-in-a-lifetime kind of love.  
  
My mind flashes back to the park so many years ago. He offered me the world and I choose Lucky.  
  
I wonder sometimes what would have happened if I choose him. If I had taken his hand and we had gone off to Italy. Would we be as happy as Sonny and Carly? Would we be living each day to the end of our days in such bliss that nothing could come between us?  
  
I will never know because I choose a different path.  
  
I am here now and the more he tries to push me away the more I fight it. I know that our love is worth fighting for and I will continue to fight until he realizes that I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to run away from what we have.  
  
My head tells me to listen to him and separate myself from him before somebody else gets hurt. Before something happens that neither of us can fix.  
  
But my heart will not let me let him go. My faith in him and in our love I trust with all of my heart.  
  
I trust him with my life and with my heart, forever. 


	3. Jason's POV

I knew that she would be at Kelly's. I just wanted to look at her, take in the site of her, and then leave.  
  
Or maybe I wanted to be caught by her, talk to her, be alone with her.  
  
But I shouldn't be alone with her. It brings up too many issues. But I couldn't help myself.  
  
I told her that I wanted coffee. She offered to sit with me but I said it was not a good idea. It's not. If someone saw us together, she could get into more danger. That is the last thing that I want for her.  
  
I want her to be safe. And being safe means staying away from me.  
  
But she just brushed off all danger saying that she doubted anyone would shoot us at Kelly's. With this new guy, Alcazar, you never know.  
  
I knew that I should leave but I stayed. I helped her with the door. I let her bandage my hand.  
  
But she knew why I was really there. It wasn't for coffee.  
  
She brought up the issue of us and immediately I had to change the subject. Being there alone with her made me want to tell her everything.  
  
I think I would have if Zander hadn't come.  
  
God, we were walking back to her place. Anything could have happened.  
  
Anything.  
  
My thoughts drift back to that night when she caught Lucky with her sister. All she wanted was a body and I was there.  
  
God, her kiss, her touch. . . I can still feel it when I close my eyes.  
  
So I try not to close my eyes so much anymore. But as much as I try to let go of her she won't let me.  
  
I know that it is better that we never made love. The repercussions and what it would do to our already confusing relationship is more stress then either of us need.  
  
But every time I see her all I want is her. Her heart, her soul, her love. And I know I could have all that, everything that I could ever want, if I opened up to her and stopped trying to push her away.  
  
If I told her how I really feel.  
  
The truth.  
  
Zander came and I could tell how much she really wanted to walk home with me. But I left. I had to leave.  
  
She knows how much she is hurting me. I know she doesn't mean to. I told her straight out that she should be with Zander. I meant it, he is safer then I ever will be.  
  
Sure, he makes stupid mistakes and does not think things through, but he is not as far in the game as I am.  
  
And I know that he will protect her.  
  
But it still hurts. The thought of them together. I can still see them from that night when she took him to her bed.  
  
I wonder why she did not take me.  
  
If I had been there. If I had been the one there first, would that be us?  
  
But I will never know.  
  
I will never know her touch or her love because we cannot be together. For as much as I want her, I want to protect her more. I would rather her live a thousand lives without me, safely, then live one life with me in danger.  
  
I know what I am doing is best but my heart aches every time I think about what I am losing by never truly knowing her love.  
  
But I made a decision to come into this life. It is my choice to keep her out of it and keep her safe.  
  
She is young, she will get over me.  
  
I keep telling myself that I will get over her. I tried before when I ran away. The night that she choose Lucky over me, I ran. But eventually your problems catch up with you and you cannot run forever. So I came back. But I'm afraid I might have to run again. But not from her relationship with Lucky or Zander, but from my heart and my feelings for her.  
  
My love for her.  
  
I know she understands why I push her away but she does not want me too.  
  
I do not want to either. It hurts so much.  
  
But my pain does not even compare to the pain I would feel if I lost her to this life. This life I choose.  
  
Just the other night I almost died inside. Her blood on my hands. That was the worst feeling in the world. It was far worse then the pain I feel when I push her away.  
  
I knew she was going to pull through. She is so strong that no miracle was needed.  
  
But my hands are still stained with her blood. With Kristina's blood. With the blood of the innocent and the guilty.  
  
But she is alive. I want her to stay that way. I do not want more of her blood on my hands.  
  
She is safe tonight because we are not together.  
  
She is with Zander.  
  
I am alone.  
  
I will always be alone. 


	4. Elizabeth's POV

Before I saw him I could sense that he was there. I looked up and saw him and knew why he was there.  
  
He said coffee but I knew the real reason.  
  
He loves me.  
  
But our relationship is so complicated right now.  
  
I wish it were as simple as, "I love you." But it isn't.  
  
For a moment it felt like it use to between us. He was helping me with the door and I was bandaging him up. We were making small talk and avoiding the issue that was all around us.  
  
I know he is pushing me away and I understand why. But he has not told me. I know, but I would rather hear it from him.  
  
He changed the subject with an offer to walk me home. I was disappointed he didn't answer but I could not refuse his offer.  
  
I hoped that it would give us a chance to really talk.  
  
But Zander came. He always comes at the wrong times.  
  
Jason left. I wanted to follow him and talk to him but I let him go. I had to let him go.  
  
I needed to tell Zander the truth.  
  
I'm not sure what Zander is to me. I care about him. I do not want him to get hurt. But I do know that I do not love him and tonight he figured it out.  
  
He realized that he is only second in my heart.  
  
My heart belongs with Jason. 


	5. Jason's POV

The hardest thing I've ever done I did tonight. I walked away from her.  
  
I have been trying to separate myself from her to protect her. At least that is what I tell myself.  
  
She said tonight that I'm only walking away so I do not get hurt.  
  
I've been hurt in the past by the women I've loved.  
  
First Robin, betraying me and telling A.J. that he is Michael's father. I am just thankful that I got the chance to be his father, a solid figure in his life, if only for a year.  
  
Then Carly betrayed me. I'm not sure what I felt for Carly or if it was even worth the heart ache that I felt that morning when she came down from Sonny's bedroom.  
  
I forgave her because I realized that we were not meant to be. She is meant to be with Sonny and once I saw how wonderful they were together I could not deny them friendship. I forgave them but my heart never forgot.  
  
Elizabeth is so different then every other woman that I have met.  
  
The first time we met it was through Lucky, before the fire. Then I had no problem with the guy. He worked with me and lived above my garage. He never caused me any problems and near the end I came to respect him.  
  
But then there was the fire. Her face that night is permanently etched in my memory. I felt so horrible; I thought his blood was on my hands. An innocent that had nothing to do with my business was dead and I blamed myself.  
  
She really did love him and I felt horrible for her. Her tears, her pain, her grief, which I blamed myself for entirely.  
  
But she did not blame Sonny or me. She befriended us. She trusted us. That is just the kind of woman she is.  
  
When she found me in the snow she did not run away. She took care of me, nursed me back to health, and brought back something into my life that I had thought I had lost: Love.  
  
When he came back and she choose him, I understood. I could see why she picked him. He was the love of her life, her first love, and he was back from the dead. And I left not feeling angry or upset but glad that she had him back and would be happy.  
  
But she wasn't happy.  
  
And when I finally thought that we might get somewhere, she slept with Zander. Zander, a guy I completely despise. He is the reason that Emily was in danger so many times. He is careless, he does not think, and he does not know when to shut up.  
  
But tonight I forgave her. Tonight she explained how much I mean to her. Tonight she took my whole world and turned it upside down. Tonight she said everything that I ever wanted to hear.  
  
I kissed her.  
  
It was just like I remember from the night so long ago. Soft, delicate, perfect.  
  
Now everything has changed. Everything is out in the open. And that is the worst possible place it can be right now.  
  
It is too dangerous. To pursue our love would be too dangerous.  
  
Elizabeth hates when people try to control her life and I am doing just that. I'm telling her to drop me like a bad habit but she will not. She will not give up on us, on our love, on what we could have.  
  
It is the last thing that I want but I have no choice. She is in danger because of me. She could die because of me. I could not live with myself if I was the reason that she got hurt.  
  
She means everything to me.  
  
She is my everything.  
  
I have to let her go, to protect her.  
  
But she refuses to listen. Every time I try to push he away she pulls me closer. Every time I try to tell her about the dangers of my life she tells me how wonderful her life is with me in it.  
  
She's been shot, kidnapped, and almost bombed but she continues to try and salvage what we have. So maybe I am walking away to protect my own heart but to protect her as well. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  
  
To walk away from her kiss, her touch, her love is the last thing that I wanted. I really wanted to take her in my arms, tell her how I feel, and never let her go.  
  
I wanted to ignore my job, my responsibilities, the path I have chosen, to fly with her to Italy. Or to anywhere to live out the rest of our days together and sharing our love.  
  
If I had kissed her for one more second I cannot promise that I wouldn't have.  
  
But I stopped it. I let go of her hand. I walked away.  
  
But my heart is still with her.  
  
It always will be. 


	6. Elizabeth's POV

I know he loves me.  
  
I can see it. Courtney can see it. It is obvious to anyone if you look hard enough.  
  
I know that I've made countless mistakes in my relationship with Jason. So many times I've just wanted to say so much to him but I loose my nerves at the last minute.  
  
When he walked away from me at Kelly's, I knew that I had to do something. I had to show him that he cannot give up on us so easily.  
  
So I pulled a little trick. I know that I'm horrible for doing that but it is for a good cause. It is for us.  
  
The last thing I expected was to be greeted with a gun and a cold stare. But his face softened, just for a second, when he saw me.  
  
He was angry, as I knew he would be. He says he wants me far away from him but I know that's not what he really wants.  
  
I thought that if he was so afraid of people seeing us together then a private secluded spot would be the answer.  
  
But I was wrong.  
  
He tried to walk away. I would not let him. I called him a liar.  
  
He is a liar. He is running away from me not just for my safety but also for his own heart. I know that it is my fault. I am the one that made the horrible mistake of taking Zander to my bed.  
  
I regret it. I regret what it did to my relationship with Zander and Jason.  
  
Tonight was about salvaging that relationship. But Jason does not want our relationship to be salvaged.  
  
I do not agree.  
  
This time when I tried to tell him how I really felt, I didn't loose my nerves, and he listened.  
  
He kissed me.  
  
It was just like I knew it would be. My lips have been eager for his kiss since the last one.  
  
But he pulled away in the name of 'my safety', let go of my hand, and walked away.  
  
I know he thinks that walking away is best. But how can something be good if you are denying your heart want it wants the most in the world.  
  
After he left I just stared into the night sky. The tears began to well up in my eyes.  
  
After everything he is walking away. After everything we have been to eachother and everything we mean to eachother, he is walking away?  
  
Well obviously I have to try harder. I will not give up.  
  
I love him. I need him. It would hurt to much to not have him in my life. It hurts so much now just when I'm thinking about it.  
  
A life with Jason is not a life I want to live.  
  
I will not give up on him and will not let him give up on us.  
  
I only pray that it is not to late.  
  
I love him and I will do anything to prove that love to him. I will do anything to prove that I am safe as long as I am with him. I am happy with him. He makes me content.  
  
He loves me and cares for me in a way that no one ever has. I need to prove that it is worth saving.  
  
Because it is and I will not stop until we are together.  
  
We belong together. 


End file.
